I’ve been doing a lot of radio shows this week commenting about and being interviewed about the shootings in the last week – 2 churches in Colorado, the school bus, etc - It’s supposed to be holiday shopping not holiday shootings.  Why now? There seem to be so many reasons:1) Perhaps first and foremost I think is people crying out for help and slipping between the cracks – people with mental health problems who need help, treatment, medication and not getting it.  With “privacy” being such an issue in this country it’s difficult to get someone help if they don’t want to cooperate.  In “the old days” there used to be state mental hospitals that took care of a lot of folks who needed to be monitored if they were taking their drugs, they housed people who would be a danger to themselves or others – today – it is commonly thought that if you give people medicine, they can live in the community and for sure there are many who can, but there are those few who stop taking their medicine and others who need more than medicine, who also need talk therapy with a really good therapist and they are not getting it  Their pain is too much to bear and occasionally  they do something horrendous.2) Along with the need for therapy we need to look at who can afford it – and how many insurance companies will pay for more than 4-6 crisis sessions.  Many times people need more than what I call a 6 –session wonder – they really need a lot of help learning how to cope with life, how to relate to people, what to do with their personal pain, how to start life again3) We are a more violent society in general – kids see so much more violence on TV in movies, video games – it’s like violence is “normalized” in some part of some kids brain (only a select few)4) How we are parenting - how we are treated by parents, what do we learn at home in terms of how to cope with difficult feelings – and more importantly – are your parents aware of problem you are having and how much trouble or pain you are in.5)There are true mental illnesses involving an imbalance in the brain – these kinds of mental illnesses can be treated with a combination of specific medication and talk therapy.  They need to be treated – but sometimes kids are ignored, parents hope their kids will “grow out of it”  or parents are just hoping one day they’ll leave home at 18 and everything will be okay then.  We need to stop ignoring young adults who “don’t fit in,” who are different emotionally, we need to a take a risk and tell them life doesn’t have to be this painful, there is help for you.In the spirit of the season, if we get out of our comfort zone and help someone in emotional trouble, the world may be a more peaceful place.  We need to push ourselves as neighbors, friends and family members to make those tough calls and voice our concern, compare notes with others, and really try to get people the help they need.

The (parental) buck stops with you.  Ultimately, you’re the “responsible party” here, so make sure you agree with what you say and you can live with the consequences you decide. Also try to say it in a way your child can hear and be will be more willing to agree.  When you really look at why you’re saying what you’re saying, for example, “I want you home by 11:30 PM.” you may be abel to share your reasons and that may make it easier for your child to agree.  For instance, the simple sentence, I want you home by 11:30″ or “You better be home by 11:30″ may really mean, “I want you home before I go to sleep so I know you’re safe and I can sleep well.  When you get in at 11:30 and get to bed soon after that you’re delightful to be around the next day because you’ve had enough sleep.  So part of the reason I want you home at 11:30 is because I don’t want to deal with a grumpy kid in the morning.  Please be home by 11:30 so you can have a good time wherever you’re going, I can have a good night’s sleep and we can both enjoy each other tomorrow.  Thanks so much for cooperating in all this.”  Which one do you think your child would rather hear?

             I know the social “climate” is changing in this country and different regions look at things differently, but maybe when we’re looking at the pros and cons of corporal punishment we need to look a bit deeper in terms of: a) what is the job of a parent, b) what do we now know about child development, c) what happens when the needs of children to be raised with respect, with a high self-esteem, and with knowledge and skills to make wise choices are met, d) how do children learn from their mistakes, and e) how does a young child grow up into a young adult who can live independently in a complex world?  Do you want to correct a child or provide your child with opportunities to learn so next time a situation like the one perturbing you arises, your child has a better chance of making a decision you can respect.  Do you provide your child with alternatives and options for how to deal with anger, fear, or hurt?  Or do you tell your child by your own actions as a parent – ‘when you’re hurt, sad, fearful and angry take out the old “Shield of Anger” and make sure your “opponent” know you’re really angry!’  What does that truly teach your child?            If you see the role of parent as the one who “keeps a child in line” and the line you’re keeping for your child is the one you want “enforced” then corporal punishment will probably make sense. But, if you see your role as parent to be a guide, a role model of respect, the one who teaches your child to communicate, then you will face more challenges to your creativity as a parent and you will raise a child who knows how to deal with his/her emotions, life’s challenges and knows how to learn from his/her mistakes and can make wise choices. So, which would you rather be: a) a creative parent who accepts that a child’s life tasks, especially in adolescence, is to explore the world, find his place in it, test the limits, see what happens with consequences, and learn how to live independently; or b) a parent who sets strict rigid limits and punishes a child for testing or going over the limits.If you chose “B” – please know that your child is likely to grow into an adult who will either be controlling of others or will choose a life partner who controls him/her because that’s what your child will be used to. That will feel “normal” to your child because that’s how you’ve always treated your child.  But being controlling or controlled are not often happy states for people to be in. It can lead to domestic violence.   When a person can stand, independently and know how to be a team player and how to listen and respond respectfully to others around him/her, now that is a person who will probably go through life in an easier, more comfortable and happier state.I think the issue of corporal punishment is bigger than hitting or not or spanking or not. I think it’s about time we looked at a paradigm shift in parenting from the old style parenting most of us were raised with where the parent was a know-it-all adult and you were the dumb, naive child who had to listen to the all knowing parent to parenting in a way that maximizes a child’s cognitive, social and emotional development. In order to maximize a child’s development , a child needs to be talked to in great detail from a very early age, his opinions need to be seriously considered and he needs to feel respected, loved, and appreciated.  Parenting in this respectful ways also involves setting limits, consequences, and boundaries – but in a  respectful way.  The question becomes – are you willing to do what it takes to maximize your child’s potential in this lifetime or are you going to take the easier way, parent as you were parented, set those rigid boundaries, enforce them with corporal punishment, and raise a child who has not realized his/her full potential. Or will you challenge yourself as a parent to read about child development, try out new parenting ideas, do not rely on spankings, make them a non-option, and see how you set respectful limits without them. It’s not a matter of which way is the wind blowing. It’s a matter of taking the current brain science research, learning from past generations mistakes, making a parenting paradigm shift,  and becoming a respectful parent today.Another aspect of the “corporal punishment” debate has to do with government involvement – should the government regulate “spankings?”  The question. “Shouldn’t I be able to do what I want in my own home?” Is important to address here.  The answer is, “Yes and No.”  Sometimes people make unsafe choices in the face of privacy – and someone needs to protect children from abuse.  So, yes, the government does have to make rules to protect the innocent, just as parents need to come up with guidelines for their family. It is unfortunate that some parents each year, in the name of giving a justified, “Spanking” in advertently get a surge of anger and beat their child to the point of endangering and even killing a child. Nobody sets out to do it, yet each year it is done. So does the government need to oversee this possibility?  I’d say, as long as there is uncontrollable anger and rage in this world – Yes. Dr. Joanne Baum has a Service Mark on Respectful Parenting. She developed it over the last 30+ years of working with individuals, families and children.  Dr. Baum’s new book, Got the Baby Where’s the Manual?!? won the 2007 IPPY Gold Medal Award in Parenting.  For more information, please go to her web-site is www.respectfulparenting.com.