I haven’t written in a few months, yet it feels like a few days. This last semester has gone so fast. It was my son’s last semester in High School. He graduated in May. What a touching experience. So many “lasts” on his way to so many “firsts.” It’s difficult to fathom that my role as full time mom is coming to an end - There’s about 2 more months when he’ll be living with me, in our home, fulltime, then it’ s off to college and hwo knows when or if he’ll be home again for long periods of time. College summers are iffy - I stayed at school, working and taking classes - will he? But it feel so good to know he has a god head on his shoulders, he knows how to make decisions, how to reconsider and change courses if need be. He’s a good kid, a solid human being, and I’m pleased that he’s ready for the world and hopefully the world is ready for him. As a parent, I think your goal is to help and guide your child to be ready for the world, to successfully launch out of your home and make it in the real world - enjoying rather than enduring life and thriving rather than surviving life. I truly believe my son is ready for that. So, if I haven;t been writing blogs, i’t’ been because I’ve been caught up in his successful launching process and it’s been a kick.

I’ve been writing quite a bit lately about little ones: babies and toddlers…for me it feels like yesterday when I had a baby and a toddler, but it’s quite a few years ago.  The joy of having been present for so many special little moments with my child is burned into my brain and I enjoy remembering them. I’m at a different stage in parenting now. It’s another precious stage (as they all have been….) My son is a senior in High School.  Our full time mother-son relationship is in its last few months so sometimes our time together feels particularly poignant.

Today I came home, looked through the mail, and there was an envelope from a University that clearly stated on the outside that he had been accepted and the school was welcoming him. He has already accepted someplace else but it was still wonderful to see his hard work pay off.  So far he has heard from 4 schools he applied to and he has made all 4.  I called his cell phone. He was with friends.  He paused in his time with them and we shared a few congratulatory and fun thoughts about him making this school.  Then it was time to let him to go back to his friends and continue with my evening…  The nicest part was, we had connected.  It can be those important few moments of true connection – talking, sharing, listening to each other, and respecting each others limits that make life worthwhile if you ask me.

Someone recently asked me to talk about when one parent wants a toddler to be able to explore around the house freely and the other wants the baby confined to a play pen more… So, here goes: Toddlers are such “heady creatures.”  They are so excited about the world. They want to learn. They see something and it sparks their imagination. It is a time their brains are firing off connections at an incredible rate.  To optimize your child’s development you want to encourage social interactions, your baby’s creativity, and your baby’s desires to learn and explore. The key is the environment needs to be safe, so you need to make sure your home is “child-proofed” so your child can’t get into things that could hurt her. You also need to make sure you have the energy to follow her and interact with her explaining things her feet take her to. There can be a balance of quieter exploration with toys in a smaller environment and exploring around the house in a safe way at other times.  You want to nurture your child’s natural curiosity so your child’s brain can develop to its fullest capacity.  Did you notice I didn’t say who was right and therefore who was wrong? That is not a useful paradigm here. Talk with your spouse about his ideas and yours, read this answer together and see how you two can use your creativity to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

             I can’t believe the holidays are over.  Although I must say, it doesn’t quite feel like they are all over because my son is still home from school.  We have one more week of “vacation,” but he and I are still both working this week.            I seem to have followed my own advice about prioritizing and enjoying rather than enduring the holidays.  We had some relatives in form out of town which was such fun and they were here over my birthday which made it even sweeter.  This is an exciting time in our family’s life.  My son is a senior in High School and has already heard from 2 of the colleges he applied to that he was accepted.  Now we begin the difficult task of deciding which is right for him.  And that’s one of those things that I want to keep my hands largely out of. It’s difficult to take the back seat sometimes, but so necessary so he feels like it’s his decision, which it is. It’s his life and where he wants to start the next four years should be his choosing.  He may not stay at the school of his choosing but it needs to be his decision based on what he wants to learn, where he wants to be, and what we can all afford…            I can remember when he was an infant and we’d be in grocery store.  At that point five-year-olds looked like giants to me. Now he’s at least 6 feet tall and about to leave home in a few months.  He’s already doing that wonderful emotional dress rehearsal for leaving home – you know the - I don’t really need you anymore – I want to be treated like an adult stage - as they get ready to launch.  I remember the - I want my independence stage well - although it was quite a few moons ago it can feel like it was yesterday and I was pushing my parents away, needing room to launch.  It’s funny to be on the receiving side of it. Funny and wonderful because he is ready and he has a great head on his shoulders.  I have to remember of course he’ll make some mistakes along the way, don’t we all, even today. It’s how human beings learn – make mistakes and the hope is at least you learn from them.            I think just as a kid’s task in late adolescence is to “launch successfully” our task as parents is to “let go successfully” and that means different things to different people. I wonder what it means to you?If we can have faith that we’ve raised them well, we’ve taught them what we want them to learn, we’ve helped them develop good decision making skills, they can assess a situation and make a wise choice or at least what seems like a wise choice and if necessary they can re-think it and try again, then it’s easier to let go. Sometimes I still need reminders from him and then I apologize and say, “It’s just cause I love you and I’m being a mom – I want you to listen to what I’m saying and then make your own decision.”  We both smile and we move on…What’s that expression, “Love makes you do crazy things?”  Sometimes love as a parent makes you hang on too tightly and sometime too loosely – we’ve got to juggle our parental love and find the balance…           

             I know the social “climate” is changing in this country and different regions look at things differently, but maybe when we’re looking at the pros and cons of corporal punishment we need to look a bit deeper in terms of: a) what is the job of a parent, b) what do we now know about child development, c) what happens when the needs of children to be raised with respect, with a high self-esteem, and with knowledge and skills to make wise choices are met, d) how do children learn from their mistakes, and e) how does a young child grow up into a young adult who can live independently in a complex world?  Do you want to correct a child or provide your child with opportunities to learn so next time a situation like the one perturbing you arises, your child has a better chance of making a decision you can respect.  Do you provide your child with alternatives and options for how to deal with anger, fear, or hurt?  Or do you tell your child by your own actions as a parent – ‘when you’re hurt, sad, fearful and angry take out the old “Shield of Anger” and make sure your “opponent” know you’re really angry!’  What does that truly teach your child?            If you see the role of parent as the one who “keeps a child in line” and the line you’re keeping for your child is the one you want “enforced” then corporal punishment will probably make sense. But, if you see your role as parent to be a guide, a role model of respect, the one who teaches your child to communicate, then you will face more challenges to your creativity as a parent and you will raise a child who knows how to deal with his/her emotions, life’s challenges and knows how to learn from his/her mistakes and can make wise choices. So, which would you rather be: a) a creative parent who accepts that a child’s life tasks, especially in adolescence, is to explore the world, find his place in it, test the limits, see what happens with consequences, and learn how to live independently; or b) a parent who sets strict rigid limits and punishes a child for testing or going over the limits.If you chose “B” – please know that your child is likely to grow into an adult who will either be controlling of others or will choose a life partner who controls him/her because that’s what your child will be used to. That will feel “normal” to your child because that’s how you’ve always treated your child.  But being controlling or controlled are not often happy states for people to be in. It can lead to domestic violence.   When a person can stand, independently and know how to be a team player and how to listen and respond respectfully to others around him/her, now that is a person who will probably go through life in an easier, more comfortable and happier state.I think the issue of corporal punishment is bigger than hitting or not or spanking or not. I think it’s about time we looked at a paradigm shift in parenting from the old style parenting most of us were raised with where the parent was a know-it-all adult and you were the dumb, naive child who had to listen to the all knowing parent to parenting in a way that maximizes a child’s cognitive, social and emotional development. In order to maximize a child’s development , a child needs to be talked to in great detail from a very early age, his opinions need to be seriously considered and he needs to feel respected, loved, and appreciated.  Parenting in this respectful ways also involves setting limits, consequences, and boundaries – but in a  respectful way.  The question becomes – are you willing to do what it takes to maximize your child’s potential in this lifetime or are you going to take the easier way, parent as you were parented, set those rigid boundaries, enforce them with corporal punishment, and raise a child who has not realized his/her full potential. Or will you challenge yourself as a parent to read about child development, try out new parenting ideas, do not rely on spankings, make them a non-option, and see how you set respectful limits without them. It’s not a matter of which way is the wind blowing. It’s a matter of taking the current brain science research, learning from past generations mistakes, making a parenting paradigm shift,  and becoming a respectful parent today.Another aspect of the “corporal punishment” debate has to do with government involvement – should the government regulate “spankings?”  The question. “Shouldn’t I be able to do what I want in my own home?” Is important to address here.  The answer is, “Yes and No.”  Sometimes people make unsafe choices in the face of privacy – and someone needs to protect children from abuse.  So, yes, the government does have to make rules to protect the innocent, just as parents need to come up with guidelines for their family. It is unfortunate that some parents each year, in the name of giving a justified, “Spanking” in advertently get a surge of anger and beat their child to the point of endangering and even killing a child. Nobody sets out to do it, yet each year it is done. So does the government need to oversee this possibility?  I’d say, as long as there is uncontrollable anger and rage in this world – Yes. Dr. Joanne Baum has a Service Mark on Respectful Parenting. She developed it over the last 30+ years of working with individuals, families and children.  Dr. Baum’s new book, Got the Baby Where’s the Manual?!? won the 2007 IPPY Gold Medal Award in Parenting.  For more information, please go to her web-site is www.respectfulparenting.com. 

Some kids are born with this “thing” - they won’t do anything unless they think they can do it really really well or close to if not perfectly. It stops them from doing a lot of things in life and more importantly it stops them from enjoying life because they are putting themselves under a lot of stress. It’s one thing to want to do things well, it’ s another to strive so hard you’re always putting yourself under unnecessary pressure. Some kids seem to naturally strive so hard they are avoiding activities that they do not have a natural talent for. You can help.

1) Sit your child down.

2) Share with your child the importance of working at something without the pressure of learning a new activity “perfectly.”

3) Let your child know you are concerned about the unnecessary pressure - of the “striving for perfection” you are seeing. Compliment your child on striving and wanting to do well, and explain that by working sooooo hard, it can take the joy out of the experience itself. Let your child know you don’t want him to miss out on that joy and enjoyment he could be having.

4) Explain how the process of trying and the process of learning can feel good and joyful when you allow yourself to make mistakes, to welcome mistakes as opportunities to learn, and that when you accept progress not perfection - it end up being a more gentle approach to life.

5) Talk about the concept of joy - how it feels in your tummy, your heart, your head - that life can be enjoyed as you learn. That you can appreciate your own progress, even your own shortcomings. We’re all good at some things and not at others but we can still enjoy those things we do not excel at. And the more your child can learn to relax and enjoy the process, the more your child will find enjoyment in life. Like if bike riding for distance is difficult, stop and look at the beautiful scenery around you, appreciate that you got on the bike and you’re trying, appreciate how far you did go…. If golf is difficult, enjoy the fresh air and the walking you’re doing. If skiing is difficult and you can’t make it to the Black Diamond runs, enjoy the Green runs or the Blue runs. They’ re lovely in their own way.

6) When your child can accept less than perfection and less than incredible skill, he can have more compassion for people who can’t do things as well as he can. He’ll understand the learning process and understand not all bodies and brains work the same.

7) When you’re going to introduce an activity that you know your child stresses about, sit down first. Talk about realistic hopes for this time, remind your child about the positive feelings he can get when he’s enjoying an experience, appreciating his efforts, and looking for progress, even if it’s facing a fear and doing it anyways a little bit. That is a great beginning….

8) Make sure your child knows how to talk to himself using positive messages and encouraging non-judgmental self-talk rather than criticism and judgment. Watch how you talk to your child and try to avoid criticism and negative judgment by using helpful guiding questions and encouragement. For instance, “I can see you’re really trying there and something is hanging you up. Let’s take a look and see what’s making this difficult for you.” Rather than, “What’s the matter with you, why aren’t you trying harder?”

9) Ask him if he’d like to try on the possibility that he could enjoy the experience that day and look at the positives. Tell him you’ll both share your individual enjoyment with each other during the activity and afterwards by talking to each other in an encouraging way.

These tips will go along way to helping your child let in another possibility besides being perfect.

1)      Remember it is a teen’s developmental life task to test limits and find where he/she belongs in life.  It’s hard for you and it’s hard for them.  So remember that and relax a little during the challenging times

2)      A teen is pushing you away even as sub or unconsciously he needs you to be there, present and interested.

3)      Pick your battles.

4)      Have faith that if you gave your child a solid, respectful beginning with strong values and guidelines, your child will be okay.  You’ll see glimpses and longings throughout, hold onto those and build upon them.

5)      Let your child make mistakes and then discuss them respectfully asking your child what he/she wants to learn from them and how she/he would like to handle that kind of a situation differently if they should ever face it again.  Ask them if they’d like your ideas after they share theirs or if they truly feel lost as to how to handle it differently offer some suggestions if they’re interested.

6)      Avoid lectures by questioning and listening attentively and respectfully.

7)      Keep the lines of communication open.  Be interested and give feedback without shame based admonishments.

8) Try and have discussions where you both share your bottom line needs that feel so important to each one of you.  Look for the areas of need that overlap and talk about how you can both come up with a plan to fill each other’s needs.

9)      Set respectful limits, consequences and boundaries when necessary.

10)      Make those tough parental decisions and explain them as calmly as possible so your child understands why you’ve come to your conclusion. If you want to, or think it would be helpful, invite your child to discuss what you’re thinking and give his input. Consider the validity of your child’s input before coming to your final decision.

            Teenage years are full of excitement including: bouts of independence, amazing discussions, testing limits, joyous gut wrenching laughs, asserting oneself, incredible insights, pushing boundaries, pride in how you child thinks things through, fear about how your child thinks things through, making decisions “my way!,” poignant moments you wouldn’t trade for anything, fearful nights wondering where she/he is when your child is not home at curfew,  moments of extreme pride in how your child copes with life’s adversities, and arguments you never imagined you’d have. It can be kind of like a roller coaster leading to someplace you didn’t know you were going with twists and turns you can’t foresee till you’re right on them.

I don’t know who has a more difficult time with teen years, parents or kids.  It’s truly such an incredible time of growth, sharing, conflict and hope.  Every parent I’ve spoken with has his or her share of stories about challenging times they’ve had and wonderful times they’ve had.  It’s the nature of the time period.  Hormones are raging, increasing responsibilities are looming, kids think they know it all and deep down they know they haven’t that many clues so it’s scary to them, but they defend against their fears with defenses of, “I know it all” and “I don’t need you.” Remember they do need you.  They need you to be their parent, to be there for them, to set and keep appropriate limits, consequences and boundaries, even when they’re taller than you, and they need you to know they still love you even as they have to push back in that last senior year of High School so they can leave and be successful out there when you’re not around. But when they are around – they still need you, no matter what they say. Perhaps the key is learning how to be present but not in their face, and to be interested but not intrusive.  If you can keep all that in balance, you can enjoy your last years of being a full time parent.

            Theoretically the holidays are “supposed” to be joyful, intimate, and spiritual experiences where you share meals with loved ones, share stories, catch up, fill your children’s wish lists, and remember and share the generous, loving spirit that gave impetus to the holidays in the first place.  But in reality, it is often a hectic time with too many social engagements (which you wish were paced out over the year), too much money being spent on gifts your children really really want, too many stressful times with relatives who are less than ideal, too many “must go to events,” and too many extra calories that make clothes tighter than usual and probably affect your gumpiness factor.  How can you slow down the process, agree to a reasonable budget for gifts, say no to a social engagement or two, and enjoy your children and family instead of experiencing the next few weeks as an endurance test you have to somehow compete in and finish:

1.      Sit down in a quiet place and really be honest with yourself about your limits: social limits, financial limits, and emotional limits.  Write them down.

2.      Ask your spouse to please do the same.

3.      As soon as the kids are in bed, compare your limits, on paper, and see where they overlap.

4.      Agree to respect your overlapping areas and not overdue it this year.

5.      Where there is not overlap discuss with each other what your needs behind your limits are.

6.      Listen openly to each other’s needs.

7.      See if you can compassionately accept some of your spouses needs and visa versa.

8.      When you accept each other’s needs with flexibility and compassion, you’ll be in a better mood.  Your children will take their cues and follow your lead as you respect and hold to your own family limits this holiday season.

9.      When you recognize yourself respecting those limits you’ll have the energy you need to truly enjoy the events you choose to attend and the gifts you choose to buy.

10.  You’ll be pleased as you realize that by allowing yourself limits and respecting your own boundaries you’ll find yourself being more generous spirited with others.

These are the 10 steps you can take for enjoying rather than enduring this holiday season.

If you have a television in your house, and if your child watches television and is able to talk, you are probably being inundated with your child’s requests for the amazing things being shown on television.  Remember, those companies pay people large salaries to create those ads your child is falling for.  They are well done.  They are accomplishing their goal.  But at what cost to you?            It actually helps if your child has gotten one of these must-have presents the last year that was supposed to be soooooo cool and soooooo amazing and it turned out to be different than the commercial.  You can remind your child of that this year.  “Things are not always as they seem.” Explain to your child that “wish lists” are just that, wishes and they do not all get filled.  They are for you (and Santa if he is part of your holiday season) to choose from.  They may remain wishes.  One thing my dad always used to say to me when I asked for things when I was growing up was, “Joanne, it’s always good to want things.” Meaning: it’s okay to want something just know you won’t always get it, but it’s something you can strive for and maybe earn it over time if you really still want it.I remember one year (and this is showing my age) I really wanted an 3-Speed English racer bicycle.  I really really wanted it. I was dreaming about riding that shiny black bike long before I got it. My dad patiently sat me down and told me he’d like to get it for me for my birthday but that we just couldn’t afford it and maybe I could help. I was about ten years old. How was I going to help?  But somehow, a few relatives gave me money for my birthday and I was able to chip in.  We went to the store together and bought the bike.  It was so thrilling!  I know I felt proud because I helped buy it.At the time, I hated when my father said, “Joanne it’s always good to want something.”  I hated hearing that because it usually meant I wasn’t going to get it.  And like every child, my wants felt so strong and so immediate, like I had to have whatever “it” was. Slowly, over time I realized that a lot of those things I really wanted, when I didn’t get them, and other friends did, I often wasn’t as impressed as I thought I’d be, and it was really “okay” not to have it. Or, if I got a less expensive off brand that worked as well, I learned the benefit of shopping for value rather than name brand, and sometimes I learned, when I did not get the item in any way shape or form, that the desire went away and life was really okay without having that “thing” I had wanted so much. Another lesson was that my taste changed and sometimes a short time later I didn’t even want “it” anymore.  That one line taught me so many things.  It’s one of the lines I have chosen to repeat with my child only with a longer explanation than the one I received. He still doesn’t like hearing it but hopefully he’s learning some of the same valuable lessons I learned.