I haven’t written in a few months, yet it feels like a few days. This last semester has gone so fast. It was my son’s last semester in High School. He graduated in May. What a touching experience. So many “lasts” on his way to so many “firsts.” It’s difficult to fathom that my role as full time mom is coming to an end - There’s about 2 more months when he’ll be living with me, in our home, fulltime, then it’ s off to college and hwo knows when or if he’ll be home again for long periods of time. College summers are iffy - I stayed at school, working and taking classes - will he? But it feel so good to know he has a god head on his shoulders, he knows how to make decisions, how to reconsider and change courses if need be. He’s a good kid, a solid human being, and I’m pleased that he’s ready for the world and hopefully the world is ready for him. As a parent, I think your goal is to help and guide your child to be ready for the world, to successfully launch out of your home and make it in the real world - enjoying rather than enduring life and thriving rather than surviving life. I truly believe my son is ready for that. So, if I haven;t been writing blogs, i’t’ been because I’ve been caught up in his successful launching process and it’s been a kick.

I’ve been writing quite a bit lately about little ones: babies and toddlers…for me it feels like yesterday when I had a baby and a toddler, but it’s quite a few years ago.  The joy of having been present for so many special little moments with my child is burned into my brain and I enjoy remembering them. I’m at a different stage in parenting now. It’s another precious stage (as they all have been….) My son is a senior in High School.  Our full time mother-son relationship is in its last few months so sometimes our time together feels particularly poignant.

Today I came home, looked through the mail, and there was an envelope from a University that clearly stated on the outside that he had been accepted and the school was welcoming him. He has already accepted someplace else but it was still wonderful to see his hard work pay off.  So far he has heard from 4 schools he applied to and he has made all 4.  I called his cell phone. He was with friends.  He paused in his time with them and we shared a few congratulatory and fun thoughts about him making this school.  Then it was time to let him to go back to his friends and continue with my evening…  The nicest part was, we had connected.  It can be those important few moments of true connection – talking, sharing, listening to each other, and respecting each others limits that make life worthwhile if you ask me.

             I can’t believe the holidays are over.  Although I must say, it doesn’t quite feel like they are all over because my son is still home from school.  We have one more week of “vacation,” but he and I are still both working this week.            I seem to have followed my own advice about prioritizing and enjoying rather than enduring the holidays.  We had some relatives in form out of town which was such fun and they were here over my birthday which made it even sweeter.  This is an exciting time in our family’s life.  My son is a senior in High School and has already heard from 2 of the colleges he applied to that he was accepted.  Now we begin the difficult task of deciding which is right for him.  And that’s one of those things that I want to keep my hands largely out of. It’s difficult to take the back seat sometimes, but so necessary so he feels like it’s his decision, which it is. It’s his life and where he wants to start the next four years should be his choosing.  He may not stay at the school of his choosing but it needs to be his decision based on what he wants to learn, where he wants to be, and what we can all afford…            I can remember when he was an infant and we’d be in grocery store.  At that point five-year-olds looked like giants to me. Now he’s at least 6 feet tall and about to leave home in a few months.  He’s already doing that wonderful emotional dress rehearsal for leaving home – you know the - I don’t really need you anymore – I want to be treated like an adult stage - as they get ready to launch.  I remember the - I want my independence stage well - although it was quite a few moons ago it can feel like it was yesterday and I was pushing my parents away, needing room to launch.  It’s funny to be on the receiving side of it. Funny and wonderful because he is ready and he has a great head on his shoulders.  I have to remember of course he’ll make some mistakes along the way, don’t we all, even today. It’s how human beings learn – make mistakes and the hope is at least you learn from them.            I think just as a kid’s task in late adolescence is to “launch successfully” our task as parents is to “let go successfully” and that means different things to different people. I wonder what it means to you?If we can have faith that we’ve raised them well, we’ve taught them what we want them to learn, we’ve helped them develop good decision making skills, they can assess a situation and make a wise choice or at least what seems like a wise choice and if necessary they can re-think it and try again, then it’s easier to let go. Sometimes I still need reminders from him and then I apologize and say, “It’s just cause I love you and I’m being a mom – I want you to listen to what I’m saying and then make your own decision.”  We both smile and we move on…What’s that expression, “Love makes you do crazy things?”  Sometimes love as a parent makes you hang on too tightly and sometime too loosely – we’ve got to juggle our parental love and find the balance…           

1)      Remember it is a teen’s developmental life task to test limits and find where he/she belongs in life.  It’s hard for you and it’s hard for them.  So remember that and relax a little during the challenging times

2)      A teen is pushing you away even as sub or unconsciously he needs you to be there, present and interested.

3)      Pick your battles.

4)      Have faith that if you gave your child a solid, respectful beginning with strong values and guidelines, your child will be okay.  You’ll see glimpses and longings throughout, hold onto those and build upon them.

5)      Let your child make mistakes and then discuss them respectfully asking your child what he/she wants to learn from them and how she/he would like to handle that kind of a situation differently if they should ever face it again.  Ask them if they’d like your ideas after they share theirs or if they truly feel lost as to how to handle it differently offer some suggestions if they’re interested.

6)      Avoid lectures by questioning and listening attentively and respectfully.

7)      Keep the lines of communication open.  Be interested and give feedback without shame based admonishments.

8) Try and have discussions where you both share your bottom line needs that feel so important to each one of you.  Look for the areas of need that overlap and talk about how you can both come up with a plan to fill each other’s needs.

9)      Set respectful limits, consequences and boundaries when necessary.

10)      Make those tough parental decisions and explain them as calmly as possible so your child understands why you’ve come to your conclusion. If you want to, or think it would be helpful, invite your child to discuss what you’re thinking and give his input. Consider the validity of your child’s input before coming to your final decision.

            Teenage years are full of excitement including: bouts of independence, amazing discussions, testing limits, joyous gut wrenching laughs, asserting oneself, incredible insights, pushing boundaries, pride in how you child thinks things through, fear about how your child thinks things through, making decisions “my way!,” poignant moments you wouldn’t trade for anything, fearful nights wondering where she/he is when your child is not home at curfew,  moments of extreme pride in how your child copes with life’s adversities, and arguments you never imagined you’d have. It can be kind of like a roller coaster leading to someplace you didn’t know you were going with twists and turns you can’t foresee till you’re right on them.

I don’t know who has a more difficult time with teen years, parents or kids.  It’s truly such an incredible time of growth, sharing, conflict and hope.  Every parent I’ve spoken with has his or her share of stories about challenging times they’ve had and wonderful times they’ve had.  It’s the nature of the time period.  Hormones are raging, increasing responsibilities are looming, kids think they know it all and deep down they know they haven’t that many clues so it’s scary to them, but they defend against their fears with defenses of, “I know it all” and “I don’t need you.” Remember they do need you.  They need you to be their parent, to be there for them, to set and keep appropriate limits, consequences and boundaries, even when they’re taller than you, and they need you to know they still love you even as they have to push back in that last senior year of High School so they can leave and be successful out there when you’re not around. But when they are around – they still need you, no matter what they say. Perhaps the key is learning how to be present but not in their face, and to be interested but not intrusive.  If you can keep all that in balance, you can enjoy your last years of being a full time parent.