Some kids are born with this “thing” - they won’t do anything unless they think they can do it really really well or close to if not perfectly. It stops them from doing a lot of things in life and more importantly it stops them from enjoying life because they are putting themselves under a lot of stress. It’s one thing to want to do things well, it’ s another to strive so hard you’re always putting yourself under unnecessary pressure. Some kids seem to naturally strive so hard they are avoiding activities that they do not have a natural talent for. You can help.

1) Sit your child down.

2) Share with your child the importance of working at something without the pressure of learning a new activity “perfectly.”

3) Let your child know you are concerned about the unnecessary pressure - of the “striving for perfection” you are seeing. Compliment your child on striving and wanting to do well, and explain that by working sooooo hard, it can take the joy out of the experience itself. Let your child know you don’t want him to miss out on that joy and enjoyment he could be having.

4) Explain how the process of trying and the process of learning can feel good and joyful when you allow yourself to make mistakes, to welcome mistakes as opportunities to learn, and that when you accept progress not perfection - it end up being a more gentle approach to life.

5) Talk about the concept of joy - how it feels in your tummy, your heart, your head - that life can be enjoyed as you learn. That you can appreciate your own progress, even your own shortcomings. We’re all good at some things and not at others but we can still enjoy those things we do not excel at. And the more your child can learn to relax and enjoy the process, the more your child will find enjoyment in life. Like if bike riding for distance is difficult, stop and look at the beautiful scenery around you, appreciate that you got on the bike and you’re trying, appreciate how far you did go…. If golf is difficult, enjoy the fresh air and the walking you’re doing. If skiing is difficult and you can’t make it to the Black Diamond runs, enjoy the Green runs or the Blue runs. They’ re lovely in their own way.

6) When your child can accept less than perfection and less than incredible skill, he can have more compassion for people who can’t do things as well as he can. He’ll understand the learning process and understand not all bodies and brains work the same.

7) When you’re going to introduce an activity that you know your child stresses about, sit down first. Talk about realistic hopes for this time, remind your child about the positive feelings he can get when he’s enjoying an experience, appreciating his efforts, and looking for progress, even if it’s facing a fear and doing it anyways a little bit. That is a great beginning….

8) Make sure your child knows how to talk to himself using positive messages and encouraging non-judgmental self-talk rather than criticism and judgment. Watch how you talk to your child and try to avoid criticism and negative judgment by using helpful guiding questions and encouragement. For instance, “I can see you’re really trying there and something is hanging you up. Let’s take a look and see what’s making this difficult for you.” Rather than, “What’s the matter with you, why aren’t you trying harder?”

9) Ask him if he’d like to try on the possibility that he could enjoy the experience that day and look at the positives. Tell him you’ll both share your individual enjoyment with each other during the activity and afterwards by talking to each other in an encouraging way.

These tips will go along way to helping your child let in another possibility besides being perfect.

1)      Remember it is a teen’s developmental life task to test limits and find where he/she belongs in life.  It’s hard for you and it’s hard for them.  So remember that and relax a little during the challenging times

2)      A teen is pushing you away even as sub or unconsciously he needs you to be there, present and interested.

3)      Pick your battles.

4)      Have faith that if you gave your child a solid, respectful beginning with strong values and guidelines, your child will be okay.  You’ll see glimpses and longings throughout, hold onto those and build upon them.

5)      Let your child make mistakes and then discuss them respectfully asking your child what he/she wants to learn from them and how she/he would like to handle that kind of a situation differently if they should ever face it again.  Ask them if they’d like your ideas after they share theirs or if they truly feel lost as to how to handle it differently offer some suggestions if they’re interested.

6)      Avoid lectures by questioning and listening attentively and respectfully.

7)      Keep the lines of communication open.  Be interested and give feedback without shame based admonishments.

8) Try and have discussions where you both share your bottom line needs that feel so important to each one of you.  Look for the areas of need that overlap and talk about how you can both come up with a plan to fill each other’s needs.

9)      Set respectful limits, consequences and boundaries when necessary.

10)      Make those tough parental decisions and explain them as calmly as possible so your child understands why you’ve come to your conclusion. If you want to, or think it would be helpful, invite your child to discuss what you’re thinking and give his input. Consider the validity of your child’s input before coming to your final decision.

            Teenage years are full of excitement including: bouts of independence, amazing discussions, testing limits, joyous gut wrenching laughs, asserting oneself, incredible insights, pushing boundaries, pride in how you child thinks things through, fear about how your child thinks things through, making decisions “my way!,” poignant moments you wouldn’t trade for anything, fearful nights wondering where she/he is when your child is not home at curfew,  moments of extreme pride in how your child copes with life’s adversities, and arguments you never imagined you’d have. It can be kind of like a roller coaster leading to someplace you didn’t know you were going with twists and turns you can’t foresee till you’re right on them.

I don’t know who has a more difficult time with teen years, parents or kids.  It’s truly such an incredible time of growth, sharing, conflict and hope.  Every parent I’ve spoken with has his or her share of stories about challenging times they’ve had and wonderful times they’ve had.  It’s the nature of the time period.  Hormones are raging, increasing responsibilities are looming, kids think they know it all and deep down they know they haven’t that many clues so it’s scary to them, but they defend against their fears with defenses of, “I know it all” and “I don’t need you.” Remember they do need you.  They need you to be their parent, to be there for them, to set and keep appropriate limits, consequences and boundaries, even when they’re taller than you, and they need you to know they still love you even as they have to push back in that last senior year of High School so they can leave and be successful out there when you’re not around. But when they are around – they still need you, no matter what they say. Perhaps the key is learning how to be present but not in their face, and to be interested but not intrusive.  If you can keep all that in balance, you can enjoy your last years of being a full time parent.

            Theoretically the holidays are “supposed” to be joyful, intimate, and spiritual experiences where you share meals with loved ones, share stories, catch up, fill your children’s wish lists, and remember and share the generous, loving spirit that gave impetus to the holidays in the first place.  But in reality, it is often a hectic time with too many social engagements (which you wish were paced out over the year), too much money being spent on gifts your children really really want, too many stressful times with relatives who are less than ideal, too many “must go to events,” and too many extra calories that make clothes tighter than usual and probably affect your gumpiness factor.  How can you slow down the process, agree to a reasonable budget for gifts, say no to a social engagement or two, and enjoy your children and family instead of experiencing the next few weeks as an endurance test you have to somehow compete in and finish:

1.      Sit down in a quiet place and really be honest with yourself about your limits: social limits, financial limits, and emotional limits.  Write them down.

2.      Ask your spouse to please do the same.

3.      As soon as the kids are in bed, compare your limits, on paper, and see where they overlap.

4.      Agree to respect your overlapping areas and not overdue it this year.

5.      Where there is not overlap discuss with each other what your needs behind your limits are.

6.      Listen openly to each other’s needs.

7.      See if you can compassionately accept some of your spouses needs and visa versa.

8.      When you accept each other’s needs with flexibility and compassion, you’ll be in a better mood.  Your children will take their cues and follow your lead as you respect and hold to your own family limits this holiday season.

9.      When you recognize yourself respecting those limits you’ll have the energy you need to truly enjoy the events you choose to attend and the gifts you choose to buy.

10.  You’ll be pleased as you realize that by allowing yourself limits and respecting your own boundaries you’ll find yourself being more generous spirited with others.

These are the 10 steps you can take for enjoying rather than enduring this holiday season.

If you have a television in your house, and if your child watches television and is able to talk, you are probably being inundated with your child’s requests for the amazing things being shown on television.  Remember, those companies pay people large salaries to create those ads your child is falling for.  They are well done.  They are accomplishing their goal.  But at what cost to you?            It actually helps if your child has gotten one of these must-have presents the last year that was supposed to be soooooo cool and soooooo amazing and it turned out to be different than the commercial.  You can remind your child of that this year.  “Things are not always as they seem.” Explain to your child that “wish lists” are just that, wishes and they do not all get filled.  They are for you (and Santa if he is part of your holiday season) to choose from.  They may remain wishes.  One thing my dad always used to say to me when I asked for things when I was growing up was, “Joanne, it’s always good to want things.” Meaning: it’s okay to want something just know you won’t always get it, but it’s something you can strive for and maybe earn it over time if you really still want it.I remember one year (and this is showing my age) I really wanted an 3-Speed English racer bicycle.  I really really wanted it. I was dreaming about riding that shiny black bike long before I got it. My dad patiently sat me down and told me he’d like to get it for me for my birthday but that we just couldn’t afford it and maybe I could help. I was about ten years old. How was I going to help?  But somehow, a few relatives gave me money for my birthday and I was able to chip in.  We went to the store together and bought the bike.  It was so thrilling!  I know I felt proud because I helped buy it.At the time, I hated when my father said, “Joanne it’s always good to want something.”  I hated hearing that because it usually meant I wasn’t going to get it.  And like every child, my wants felt so strong and so immediate, like I had to have whatever “it” was. Slowly, over time I realized that a lot of those things I really wanted, when I didn’t get them, and other friends did, I often wasn’t as impressed as I thought I’d be, and it was really “okay” not to have it. Or, if I got a less expensive off brand that worked as well, I learned the benefit of shopping for value rather than name brand, and sometimes I learned, when I did not get the item in any way shape or form, that the desire went away and life was really okay without having that “thing” I had wanted so much. Another lesson was that my taste changed and sometimes a short time later I didn’t even want “it” anymore.  That one line taught me so many things.  It’s one of the lines I have chosen to repeat with my child only with a longer explanation than the one I received. He still doesn’t like hearing it but hopefully he’s learning some of the same valuable lessons I learned.

Welcome to Dr. Jo’s blog. I’ ve been meaning to do this for months, but I needed to learn more before I started. This first entry is about juggling - juggling a professsional life and being a mom. I remember when my son was little I used to want to sprout more arms so I could carry him, the diaper bag, the nursing bag, lunch, my briefcase and be able to open the door so I could put us all in the car. Now I don’t need the extra arms (which, by the way never arrived) I just need extra time…and since all my prayers for extra time are answered by the message, “prioritize and eliminate what you can” I’m accepting that I’m not going to be gifted 4 more hours each day. It’s just not in the cards for this lifetime. So, I’m trying to prioritize, learn, and simplify. One of my latest concessions to simplyfying is picking up more ready made food at the supermarket if it looks healthy. So I make part of dinner and pay for part of it. The evening is easier that way.

The other thing I’m doing is being more efficient and focused in my efforts. That way, when my family comes home I can leave my home office or arrive from my clinical office and truly be present for them. I think that’s the key to a good family evening - being present and not pre-occupied. It goes along with one of the basic strategies of Respectful Parenting - focus on your child. But you also have to focus on your spouse and have time and energy for your family members at the end of your work day. Working out in the morning helps me focus and somehow leads my day in a more efficient manner.

Perhasp the keys to juggling successfully is to prioritize, focus on one thing at a time, complete work thoughts before interacting with family members and remember to enjoy whatever and whoever is in front of you.

What are your thougths on juggling work life and family life? I’d love to hear them.